what captioning sponsored by cbs according to a new survey more americans plan to buy gifts for their pets than their in-laws. when asked who would be on their shopping lift, 34% of respondents said my dog, 22% said my cat while only 19 percent said in-laws. (to the tune of "deck the halls")

>> announcer: it's the late show with stephen colbert! tonight: wrong desantis! and emily blunt takes the colbert questionert. plus, stephen welcomes chef joseé andreés. with a special appearance by jeff goldblum. featuring louis cato and the late show band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey, right over there. sorry. hello, hello, hello hello. hello. happy wednesday.

>> stephen: welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. we are one month past the 2022 (cheers and applause) we are one month past the 2022 election, which means we are deep into the 2024 election. we've already got so many fantastic candidates from the old guy with red tie to old guy with lue tie. but there's one less-old guy making a name for himself in the g.o.p.: florida governor ron desantis, seen here with, let's say, his miami caught in a vice. a new "wall street journal" poll says that, in a hypothetical g.o.p. primary matchup, desantis beats the former president 52 to 38%. yay? also boo? hard to know who to root for here. that's like a poll between gonorrhea and a slightly more racist gonorrhea.

(applause) , apologies to gonorrhea. this is all because, what with the insurrections and the hitler dinners, only the most conservative voters are still backing the ex-president. while desantis is trouncing him with voters who consider themselves only "somewhat conservative." basically, the folks who don't support gay marriage, but think andy cohen does a great job handling those housewives. so, to take full command of the g.o.p., all desantis has to do is reel in the coveted conservative demographic of "angry conspiracy q-anon all-meat diet tan-your-testicle boys." and his opening offer to them is calling for a grand juryveioi you stupid mother-pfizer! you want an investigation, let me save you some time and money.

in the u.s. alone, the covid vaccines have saved more than three million lives and helped prevent 18.5 million hospitalizations. and if that's not enough, and because idiots in your party politicized the vaccine, almost twice as many republicans died from covid before the midterms than democrats. y'all killed your voters! it's the stupidest political sin of 1840: "tippecanoe and taunt a grizzly." still, desantis is pushing ahead on this nonsense, but since a governor doesn't have the power to impanel a grand jury, he's trying to get help from the florida supreme court. which of course is made up of a gator on a jet-ski, a leathery dude who gives bachelorette boat tours, and a can of four loko with a d.u.i.

that dude looks pretty good. well, if desantis is going full conspiracy and attacking anyone who promoted the vaccine, i just hope he cracks down on whoever this guy is: >> we know that there is no time to waste when it comes to getting shots in arms. they're safe, they're effective vaccines. the messaging should be get a vaccine because it's good for you to do it. it works. the vaccines protect you. get vaccinated and then live your life as if you're protected. these vaccines are saving lives. they are reducing mortality. these vaccines make it so your chance of su gge cle to%. evidence it causes genetic side effects right there. because this guy used to promote the vaccine, but once he got it, turned into a huge dick bag. speaking of dick bags, twitter

c.e.o. elon musk, seen here cosplaying at lobsterfest. musk got some bad news this week because according to both forbes and bloomberg, elon musk is no longer the world's richest person. don't worry, elon. you still have your sparkling wit and personality. here's what happened: most of musks fortune comes from tesla, but in the last year, tesla stock has lost about 50% of its value, in part because musk's twitter politics are adding pressure on tesla's brand image. and it doesn't help that the new model x comes pre-loaded with kanye's tweets. liberals in particular are having a tough time with tesla. take a look at this graph of tesla's favorability among democrats: it's fine until october when he buys twitter and weeee! usually for tesla to plunge off a cliff like that it has to be in self-driving mode. -- you can cover that, right?

oh yeah, you got fla, you got that baby. not a great business strategy to alienate your best customers. liberals buy more electric cars. that'd be like if hooters came out with a statement saying they'd serve anyone except divorced dads on their first christmas without the kids. and who took elon's place? the new world's richest man is french luxury fashion magnate and keebler elf about to eat that other keebler elf, bernard arnault. as in: (french accent) "elon, you arnault-longer the world's richest man." but as bad as things are for tesla, they're worse for twitter. in fact, to cut costs, twitter has not paid rent for any of its global offices for weeks. that's not c "look, we're facing economic headwinds, so when the waiter brings the check, haul ass!" (applause) sdz thank you, thank you.

musk isn't just skipping out on the rent. twitter has also refused to pay an almost $200,000 bill for private charter flights made the week of his takeover. well, you've got to fly private. i mean, do you know how much commercial airlines charge to check your sink? but musk has a plan to make money-- he's going to start charging to get verified, it's a service called "twitter blue." the whole future of the company is riding on it, so monday, he introduced this amazing new logo: okay. that's either the new logo, or a close-up a 1974 chevy van. if this van's a rockin', don't come a-knockin'. 'cuz there's nazis in there. twter's not the only socia mea app in trouble. because yester uwmaktr a bil ban ti. the push is being led by florida senato seeina brightio.o's ll we

million users that are based in, or under the "substantial influence" of foreign adversaries, including china, russia, iran, and northid no longer be able to use north korea's premiere social media site: "linked-un." (applause) 2022 is winding down, which means we get to burn some tape with a fun, end-of-year roundup! today, we got the 10 oddest guinness world records of the year. we got some good odd ones, all of which i promise are real. first up: there's a new world record for "fastest time to find and alphabetize the letters in a can of alphabet soup:" jacob chandler of oregon, who alphabetized all the letters in only two minutes and 8.6 seconds.

big deal. d it en faster withaghettios. another big winner this year: at an event in october, "japan's same name association of hirokazu tanakas," founded by hirokazu tanaka, took the record for "largest gathering of people with the same first and last name." that name? harold peterson. now, i know what you're thinking: steve, these records are great, but it seems like none of them have to do with balancing eggs on the back of your hand. well, shut up, because we also have a new record holder for "most eggs balanced on the back of the hand." it's ibraheem sadeq of iraq, who managed to balance 18 eggs. let's see him in action: ♪

(applause). >> stephen: come on. amazing. amazing. that's a move they call "guy at the grocery store who won't get a basket because he's only getting a few eggs." one record that was absolutely shattered in "most drink cans placed on head using air suction," which went to jamie keeton of wisconsin. here he is: he also set the record for "world's most uncle!" all in, keeton got ten cans to stick to his head and face, which is a lot, but i have one quibble with jamie: why did you keep the goatee? that's vital can-sticking real estate! forget a soul patch, you could have a tin chin! we've got a great show for you tonight! my guests are emily blunt and chef joseé andreés. but when we come back, meanwhile! join us, won't you?

>> do you lear what i hear.

>> stephen: give it up for the band, everybody. louis cato and the late show band. louis, louis, for the people watching at home, who are we delighted to have with us. >> we have the honor of welcoming the one, only, grammy recording artist lala hathaway. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. (applause) and i will counter that with we've got the lovely, the talented emily blunt is going to do the colbert questionert tonight. mary poppins herself. and our friend and yours, the wonderful jose andres is going to be out here in just a little while with his three daughters, with his three daughters to give us some little cooking. they have a cooking show now about their trip to spain. and as long as we are talking about jose here. jose is one of the founders of

world central kitchen which helps people all around the world. has delivered hundreds of millions of meals. and right now they're continuing to work so hard o feed the people who are displaced in the ukraine. and we have launched a charity effort here on the show. you can go get one of the late show t-shirts. it is, is potatoe and also a same late show mug right there, and it says is potatoe, right there on the mug. go get these. do we have the dwrks r code? write there, you can hit that qr code right there, it will take you to the website. all of the late show's proceeds will go to world central kitchen supporting their mission in ukraine and around the world. totally worthwhile. right there. plus a really good looking picture of a potatoe. >> stephen: folks, i spend most of my time, casting the day's most striking story models,

lighting the highest, sharpest topical cheekbones under a pro-foto 2-d4 flash head, and a photek softlighter ii umbrella before an oliphant terracotta backdrop and capturing them with a mamiya rz-67 to create for you the penetrating yet poignant annie leibovitz portrait that is my monologue. but sometimes, i break into a petting zoo in the middle of the night, feed the animals a cocktail of adderall, benadryl, and mountain dew code red then startle a goat just as i snap the shutter to create the barnyard mugshot of news that is my segment: >> meanwhile! (applause) sdz that is hydrogen in my balloon. >> stephen: meanwhile, here's the latest from k-pop supergroup bts: jin, the eldest member, has enlisted in the south korean army. because korean men are required to enlist in the military by age 28. in america, by the age of 28,

all men must join an improv group and get into home brewing. meanwhile, there's big news from the world of words, because dictionary.com's word of the year is 'woman.' (cheers and applause). >> stephen: okay. really? the word of the year describes half of the world's population? which year are we talking here? 1? (as caveman) "garg, i met someone different. they are like man, but woah!" according to dictionary.com, women are officially in the zeitgest because of major stories like the supreme court's overturning of roe v. wade, the iran protests, and the death of queen elizabeth ii. right. because when queen elizabeth died we were definitely googling the word woman and not "corgies, euthanized, question mark?"

i'm not saying i would do it, just curious. meanwhile, scientists have uncovered the oldest known narrative piece of art. it's an 11,000-year-old carving in turkey that features a man holding his phallus as leopards corner him. it's a tale old as time. anyone who's ever had a leopard safety course knows... if you're ever naked and encounter a leopard, hold your junk. that's a cheetah, i think thatwt me grther one of eon a d canadila first ketchup, now this. hopefully, the vagina chip will be more successful than the last genital themed snack: pretz-ticles.

and i'm being informed that these chips are not for snacking, but tissue grown on silicone to simulate the vaginal microbiome for research. and harvard's dr. donald ingber is very confident about the quality of his simulation, boasting, "this walks, talks, and quacks like a human vagina." (laughter) now here's the thing, now, i didn't go to harvard, but i'm gonna say this guy is not that familiar with a human vagina. let me ask you, doc. these vaginas, that you "know about", do they like bread crumbs and fly south for the winter? king othwise, surprise! snakes have clitor. reached for comment, female snakes said, "yessssssssss."

researchers thought the organ didn't exist, in fact, cbs news reports it took more than a century, but scientists finally found it. that's a long time coming. or not, if you're a female snake. and the news is extra exciting because it turns out snakes have two individual clitorises-- hemiclitores-- separated by tissue and hidden by skin on the underside of the tail. so snakes went from having noboe pocket of ck ia while and ing to or.come i deb the

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♪ ♪

>> stephen: welcome back. louis, before i forget, i want to let everybody know that tomorrow night you and the band are doing a special performance, what are you doing tomorrow night. >> we're doings our own arrangement of stevie wonders, some day at christmas. >> stephen: check that out tomorrow night. because here's the thing, christmas is almost here: the bells are jingling, the eggs are nogging, christmas music is back in rotation. and there is a carol for everyone, whether you like tender ballads about the arrival of our lord and savior, or toe-tappin' christmas ditties about kids begging santa for teeth. and this year alone, there are new holiday albums from alicia keys, joss stone, gloria estefan, andrea bocelli, chris isaak and dozens of others. but i know what you're thinking: steve, whee gonna get liday album fr ost osely associ seon? of "jurassic " flff golm. let e golds over.

>> there are two things that make everybody happy, christmas music and jeff goldblum. >> hi, jeff goldblum here, merry christmas. >> stay merry goldblum christmas featuring holiday favorites like the 12 daition of christmas. >> on the first day of christmas. ♪ my true love gave to me. ♪ a partridge, a partridges, did you know, did anybody know this, partridges traditionally live in grass lands-- i just found that out recently. but speaking of partridges, who knows about the partridge family. >> it's christmas classics the goldblum way. >> now up to the second day of christmas, my true love gave to me, true love, there are a lot of kinds of true love. well, romantic love, of course.

nal ve, there is plicou this kouney , she and i ran into each other. >> jeff, jeff, sorry to cut in. but can we get back to the song. >> sure. okay. yes, okay. back to the-- back to the music. >> plenty of interruptions. >> ten lords a leapin. nine ladies dancing. eight mades a milk, hey, excuse me, if i talk about milk for a second. this is a. >> jeff, we have a lot to get done. can we please stick to the song. >> okay, okay. >> no tangents. >> it was more of an anecdote than tangent. milk, milk, lemonade, finish that poem. >> around the corner fudge is made. >> yes, around the corner fudge is made, don't even need a question mark, you know damn well around the corner a fudge is made. >> and a partridge in a pear--

lime? it's a pear-- what. >> tree. >> brie? >> tree oh, tree, i thought you said brie. if i was a kind of cheese, what would i be, what do you think. >> but on the plus side, it's 14 hours long, a very goldblum christmas. >> stephen: thank you to jeff goldblum for being the most jeff who has ever goldblum-ed. and check out "the christmas waltz," an actual christmas song by jeff goldblum and the mildred snitzer orchestra. when we come back, i give the colbert questionert to emily blunt. stick around. ♪ and how i can't explain ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪ well, well you ♪ ♪ (ooh-ho, hoo-ooh, ooh-oo) ♪ ♪ you make my dreams come true ♪

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♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. here, emily blunt, stalls a pleasure having you here. >> thank you for having me. >> it say ton of fun, i'm a big fan of you and of of course your husband, and we have had a chance to have social time outside of here t has been way too long. >> it has been way too long. >> stephen: but i feel like this is where you got to get to

know somebody. >> okay. >> stephen: when the audience >> real intimacy happens. >> stephen: exactly right. but the problem is we don't have enough time to get down to it. >> we'll get down to it. >> stephen: at the late show question came up with a thing called the colbert questionert. the people know. the people know. theses are 15 questions that have been calibrated specifically to penetrate our psychic defenses and actually reveal that person to the world at large. and to be known, scary? but it's such a relief when you finally don't have to. >> i will feel much lighter. >> stephen: are you ready to take the colbert questionert. >> so ready. >> stephen: emily blunt. >> yeah sdz what is the best sandwich. >> cuban sandwich. >> stephen: describe to people what a cuban sandwich is. it's pork. >> pork, ham, mayo, pickle, something spicy in it.

containsh . it e bause youkst t. and cheese. >> stephen: yes. >> yeah? >> stephen: and probably it's late at night. >> oh, so late. >> stephen: what is the one thing that you own that you should really throw out? >> um, oh god, a really terrible, a really terrible old royal blue velvet jacket and i don't wear it but i wt i wore it on john and i's first dated and have i not thrown it out. >> stephen: you shouldn't throw it out. >> i know, but it's such an awful jacket t sits there, that is a terrible jacket. >> stephen: it was a terrible jacket then. >> it probably was but i think i was blind to it. >> stephen: and evidently he was too. >> and i was like looking good.n

comeatthmo and said don't wear e a will you get anotda : >> aocoamal. phen: e we talking like these new york cockroaches or little things or the palmetto bugs. >> i was just in atlanta for 11 weeks. and there was a bit of an infestation at my house. >> stephen: everywhere, lovely houses. >> and i've never been the same since. >> stephen: apples or oranges. >> appleses. >> stephen: of course. >> yeah. >> stephen: have you ever asked someone for their autograph? >> no. look, a sort of a grumble. >> stephen: it wasn't a grumble. i wonder what that says about her. >> does she think she's so much better than everyone. >> stephen: what do you think happens when we die? >> i think we go somewhere more

beautiful. that's what i tell myself. i hope. i want that. >> stephen: okay. >> oh god, now i feel like you're like okay, that's not true but-- . >> stephen: i don't know t doesn't matter.itd . stephen: what held m e is imore butiful.>> theorlda l place. >> very beautiful but i feel like maybe st euphoric beautiful. >> stephen: okay. >> yeah? >> stephen: i will send you some links to some really great resorts. >> okay, great f it has a water slide park i'm in. >> stephen: favorite action movie. >> oh my god, what is it? lad, come on, and it's a show. favorite action movie, does indiana jones count, raiders of the last arc. >> stephen: it count, raiders of the lost arc. there you go. >> yeah. >> stephen: window or aisle. >> aisle. >> stephen: do you have a raisale. >> because i need to pee. >> stephen: that's it and i don't want to be shuffling past

soe,en: favorite smell. >> my children when they wake up, they smell so good. why do they smell so sweet. >> stephen: how old are they. >> they are six and eight. >> stephen: wait until they are 14. >> i know, i know. >> stephen. >> they smell so yummy right now. >> stephen: least favorite smell? >> a man's bathroom. you know, when you really need to go, like this is-- when you really need to go, only the men's is available, i'm like this-- going in. and i feel like-- . >> stephen: so are we. we know what's going on in there. >> why does it smell so bad. >> stephen: st a musk. >> i don't like that word. >> stephen: i don't like that word. >> no. >> stephen: the moist musk. >> moist musk, that is a no-no, isn't it? >> stephen: cats or dogs. >> oh wow, no t is because i am

allergic to cats as well. >> stephen: okay, cats or horses? >> horses. >> stephen: okay. horses or dogs. >> [bleep] i will say dogs cuz i cn get by without having to take a pill. yeah. >> stephen: do you only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life, what is it? >> la vie enrose. >> stephen: what number am i thinking of? >> 36. >> stephen: no. describe the rest of your life in five worsed. >> it will hopefully be blissful >> stephen: congratulations. you are known. the english is on prime video. the young lady is emily blunt,

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♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to the late show, already in progress. i'm joined now by my friend chef joseé andreés and his daughters, who all star in the new series

"joseé andreés and family in spain." please welcome joseé, carlota, ineés, and luciía andreés! okay, first of all, it is the holidays so everybody, it means cooking with family, what is it like to cook with your father, girls? >> oh my gosh, chaos. >> do you cook with him a lot. >> we're in the kitchen a lot. cooking, i'm not so good at. >> stephen: is he bossy in the kitchen. >> very, very bossy. >> well, he doesn't let us do anything. >> stephen: would you like to respond. >> is this a psychologist class, i let you do everything. what happened? i'm quicker. >> stephen: speaking of quick, let's gets to it, what are we going to do today, first carlota, tell me what we have here. >> apparently we're cooking ham-- quuting ham, this is really big for me because we never, ever, ever let us touch the pig, like at home, ever. >> stephen: so this is hammon

iberico. >> your english has to get better, stephen. you. >> stephen: i'm working on it. >> and this is ham. >> stephen: this is the greatest ham in the world. >> it is acorns. >> stephen: what does that mean. >> you know acorns. >> stephen: from tree, ery emben falling, whcse they eing on the tree, i want to go down. so they go down. and when they go down they release the pig, and they begin eting the acorns, and they begin coming fatty and fatty and fatty and sweeter and happy, and when they are happy and fatty we murder them. >> look how good he cooked the ham. >> stephen: how is that, how is my cut. >> and this is what separates the ham from any other country in the world. >> stephen: this is better than prociutton my opinion. >> definitely, i agree with you. >> st better. i love my italian counterparts but you cannot compare them.

pro osciutto is great for that. but this is you eat this and your life changes forever. >> stephen: in prosh outo you don't get the hoof. i like any food when i'm done, can i make clogs. >> in spain you can buy with the whole hoove but here they do the manicure. >> stephen: yes. >> too much. >> stephen: pedestrian care, technically speaking. >> look how good, look at this cult. >> oh my god. >> this is good, the fact that i'm cutting this ham, this say rite of passage. >> stephen: so how did you >> we cooked in the kitchen.ic? >> we put it where. >> on instagram. we were doing recipes for the people. >> stephen: you are orchestrating them. is this your parenting style, you point at them and make them talk. >> yeah strks like montessori. it is so much fun. >> stephen: how often, carlota, is the meal in your

family juscutting upeg. >> every single night. >> do you remember when you had to do that paper. >> for my college essay i wrote about. >> you had to write about the what. >> so in third grade we had to write about a pet, our household pet, we didn't have any, but we had a leg. >> stephen: ham leg. >> it th is how creative my daughter became by being my daughter. >> stephen: did you name the ham leg. >> i don't remember, i hope i didn't. >> yes. >> stephen: now what are we doing here, who are these little fellows right here. >> knees aren't our pets, these are just food. >> stephen: okay. >> some shrimp, we're going to make a typical dish, because we actually cook in the last episode. these are shrimp and what am i ing wim. chefr you e chef, you follow me. >> stephen: you you have to be bogsy like your dad. >> you put foil in the pan and

then add the garlic. >> stephen: garlic, there you go. >> and then add some of the chili pepper you have over there. >> they are very nice. >> you see what is happening, what is happening? what is happening to the garlic? >> stephen: it's singing. >> the olive oil is. >> it's dancing. >> st not sipging, it's dancing. what is wrong with you, stephen. >> stephen: i don't know, i don't know, jose, what's wrong with you. >> and now in this moment you add the shrimp. >> stephen: how many. >> three or four, and then you put some salt inside-- . >> stephen: how much salt do i put in. >> you put salt until the shrimp tells you no more. a little bit more. he didn't tell you anything yet. ph. nause you kw why-- ithe mosr will show it to you.

>> stephen: that's very nice. >> that's it, my friend. >> stephen: almost done. >> no, you don't want to overcook them n this moment. >> stephen: okay. >> i will drk drk. >> you know you blew op it. you you know how many-- tests to come op yurp show, i did three tests in the left, three in the mouth, one in my mouth, i don't want to tell you what else. >> stephen: what is it like doing the show with your dad? was it fun or was there pressure >> definitely pressure but i learned that working with family really isn't that bad. >> stephen: really? was was that a surprise. >> yeah, they always say be careful working with family. i think it turned out pretty we. >> stephen: when ado >> afe sfaly

is. >> yeah. >> what are we doing. >> we are doing a roast con leche. >> now you sound, i want to match-- . >> stephen: arro con leche. >> your english is getting better by the minute, so now this is very hot, look how hot st. >> stephen: wow. >> you are going to put sugar on top. what is this? rice and milk that you cook for one hour, with cinnamon. >> stephen: st rice pudding. >> aroz con leche. rice pudding. >> stephen: do, is this cuz in the united states, this gets served at the retirement home. is this-- . >> so this is how we do it. >> stephen: how long do i put it on. >> until the rice tells you enough. i mean when you see this, it is

ready because are you getting the smoke. are you becoming the dessert. are you like a sweet-- . >> stephen: i understand. >> that's it, that's too much. >> stephen: you do the same. >> now what happens is this these become a-- sth's like a b bb rroulle. >> aroz con leche. >> why you change the names of things, this is not broulle. sth aroz con leche. >> stephen: how did you get around spain. >> we drove a lot. >> stephen: is he a good driver. >> absolutely no at the first moment we get in the car, first trip, right when he ising to adjust the rearview mirror t just pops right off. >> i'm a very good driver.e sth. i am probably the best driver in the history of drivers.

in fact, i am a very good-- yeah, yeah, i am. >> stephen: i wish you had more confidence. >> and i'm the perfect cheytngk, right, it's perfect. >> never salty. >> no, no no. >> what? >> but you know. >> stephen: does he oversalt. >> his trick is that whatever happens, he just changes the name of the recipe. if it doesn't go as planned. >> oh my god. >> yeah. >> oh my god. >> stephen: so what do you hope people take from the show, jose? >> that whatever happens when you are with family, every single moment, the good ones and the ones that sometimes they are strange, because being with family together can be stressful, right, ladies. >> a little. >> so with this show, family is family no matter what. >> stephen: absolutely right, jose. their new series, "joseé andreés and family in spain," debuts december 27th on discovery plus. the andreés family, everybody!

we'll be right back.

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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be anderson cooper and andy cohen, and we'll have a special performance by louis cato and the late show band. good night. ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready, y'all ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ it's "the late late show!" >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen,